my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
