Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I would fuck him just for his dog
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
