the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
