Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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