I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
