the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
