if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
