I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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