So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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