I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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