3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
