you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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