when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
