This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
