On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
