Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
