Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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