like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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