He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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