I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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