Sober January is a disaster.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
