i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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