We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
