I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
