i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Pants are for mortals
So here I am, sexting at work.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
