Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
