woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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