I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
