So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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