you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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