I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
