So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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