There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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