so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
