I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you win again, gameday.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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