New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
