Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
