Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
