When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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