tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
