My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
