Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
