You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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