No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
