I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
