I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
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