It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
