At least make sure they are 18
Why
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
