does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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