the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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