Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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