i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
